March 16, 2009

Panic Attacks

What is panic attacks? How does one react during a panic attack? I had a conversation with my gf about panic attacks and I was laughing to realize since I was small, I had panic attacks but never new it until today. I'll be 40 this May and only now do I know I've always suffered from it. hahaha.. Do I need to see a therapist? Yesterday, I had a very weird day at church. The slightest thing would irritate me... and I would notice myself "zoning out" from conversations because the person sitting across me would irritate me. If you ask what did the person do to irritate me. My answer would be “she did nothing”. Now, if you love to Tango, you would have loved being me yesterday. If anyone came too close to me, I would get spooked up and I would take a few steps away... and like a true tango, my partner would shadow me in my steps. Normal days, it would not have irritated me but gosh, yesterday... it just irritated the crap out of me and I was in CHURCH!!!! I was wondering what was going on with myself because once I came home, I was fine. It was like I was fighting my own inner demons and it all happened while at church. Back to my “discovery” of panic attacks… I googled "What is panic attack?" This is what I found...... Panic attacks may be symptoms of an anxiety disorder. Another fact about panic is that this symptom is strikingly different from other types of anxiety; panic attacks are so very sudden and often unexpected, appear to be unprovoked, and are often disabling. Now comes the symptoms of a panic attack: (those in yellow.. is what I think I have/had) What are the symptoms of a panic attack?As described above, the symptoms of a panic attack appear suddenly, without any apparent cause. They may include · racing or pounding heartbeat (palpitations); · chest pains; · stomach upset; · dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea; · difficulty breathing, a sense of feeling smothered; · tingling or numbness in the hands; (I’d love to say numbness is a symptom but I do have carpal tunnel so this one is out) · hot flashes or chills; (chills) · dreamlike sensations or perceptual distortions; (dreamlike.. zoning out) · terror: a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to occur and one is powerless to prevent it; (I always think of the worst would happen to my loved one when they go out without me there. When young, and my parents would go to Penang and I get to be at home by myself, I would worry until I hear from them that they have reached safely. Now, when hubby goes out to buy bread, I worry he would meet with an accident and I don’t get to see him alive again) · a need to escape; (need for my personal space, hence the tango dance I would do if anyone stands too close to me) · fear of losing control and doing something embarrassing; (Never catch me on a roller coaster or can’t pay me a $1M to ride on it cos I’m hate feeling not in control. Do I wish to go on the roller coaster? Yes, but would I go line up. NO) · fear of dying. (Yes, It goes thru my mind and gives me the chills and drives me nuts knowing my very young kids won’t have me to take care of them especially when none of my family member are closeby to help).
Hmm.. I wonder if “fear of losing control and doing something embarrassing” is the reason why I have told a friend what I want for my funeral. That would mean, in the end I still get to control how I’m bid farewell.
You won’t find me walking on back alleys anymore even on broad daylight. When I was 19, I was molested and all I remember when I got back to my room.. I had blood on my nails. Guys that I would date I would warn then not to come up from behind me to surprise me. I have dug my nails in to a few unlucky innocent guy friends who were goofing around with me. I walked to a grocery store yesterday after church. Seeing the back alley give me the chills. And all this while, I thought it was old memories but now I know the quick walk I do when I see back alleys is because of panic attacks.
Can I diagnose my craziness and blame it all on panic attacks?? How I react to certain things and how I behave at a certain time is all blamed on panic attacks? Or is it just plain ME problem? Ok... I'm done blabbing here... I'm off to my lala-land..


Geraldine on 16 March, 2009 22:01 said...

Lee, and you are dead when they find out about each other??

Unknown on 19 May, 2009 06:49 said...

I want you to know that i am suffering from panic and blogs like yours help me a lot.
Good Day



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